7 Text Messages You May Not Realize Are Condescending

Most people these days rely on text messages as their main form of communication; for some, the thought of making a phone call is even scary. That said, since a text can’t capture one’s body language and nonverbal cues, it is easy for certain messages to come across as condescending or blatantly rude.

“Condescension isn’t just about words but making another person feel small,” said Logan Jones, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder at Clarity Therapy NYC. “Text messages feel condescending when one person assumes superiority, implies incompetence, feels dismissive or [gives] unnecessary explanations.”

We spoke with licensed mental health professionals about common text messages you may not realize are condescending ― and how not to take them personally should you be on the receiving end. Here’s what experts say:

We’ve all likely sent this at least once, whether it was intentionally to someone who annoyed us or when we simply didn’t feel like answering.

Bottom line: “It feels short, dismissive, and passive aggressive and implies annoyance or disinterest because it lacks any warmth and engagement,” said Lauren Palumbo, a licensed psychotherapist at Clarity Therapy NYC.

According to Palumbo, simply “thumbs-upping” or “liking” a text message can feel condescending in its own right, especially if you just shared a juicy or personal story and were hoping for a reaction that matches your energy.

“These types of reactions can stop conversational momentum dead in its tracks, making it clear that others aren’t interested in keeping it going, which can feel disappointing and deflating,” she said.

You sometimes hear this during in-person conversation, and it goes over just as poorly via text message, according to Michele Leno, a psychologist and host at Mind Matters with Dr. Michele.

Despite the phrasing, the verbiage lets you know that someone is about to say something offensive and likely rude, too. “In such cases, being direct is less condescending,” Leno said.

Who hasn’t texted their friends worried about a health ailment? Although mostly everything can be found on Google with a quick search, you don’t want to tell someone to “Google it” since that can come off as extremely condescending.

“Few things shut down a conversation faster than this because it’s dismissive and shows that someone’s curiosity or isn’t worth your time or energy,” Jones said.

It can be hard to effectively communicate through text messages, and lobbing accusatory, blanket “always” or “never” statements like this can prohibit more meaningful conversation. It’s also difficult to defend over text, according to Jones.

“This is hyperbolic, accusatory and a trap,” Jones said. “Saying something like this turns your minor frustration into painting someone as having a character flaw and trapping them in a pattern they can’t easily defend against via text.”

Hearing this doesn’t get easier no matter how old you are ― especially when it’s over text. It’s hard to glean any sort of care or nuance when it’s written out, so it feels more smug than anything.

“Saying ‘I told you so’ offers nothing but cheap and quick self-satisfaction at the expense of someone else’s hurt feelings,” Jones said.

According to Palumbo, “yikes” can feel condescending and judgmental, especially if there’s no elaboration. “It sends the message that whatever was shared was embarrassing, wrong or cringeworthy,” she said.

Very few people want to intentionally send rude or off-putting texts. If you want to communicate more effectively and not sound condescending, here are some therapist-approved tips to get you started:

Leno recommended using neutral language if you’re looking to sound less condescending. “For example, ‘I’m available to help if needed’ is better than, ‘It looks like you need help.’”

Jones suggested using more emotive and clarifying language in an attempt to make text messages come across as less condescending. “A simple ‘haha’ or ‘I see what you mean, *smiley face*’ can make a big difference,” he said.

Michelle English, a licensed clinical social worker and executive clinical manager at Healthy Life Recovery, recommended engaging in more direct communication. “Give them a call or hop on a video chat to clear things up,” she said. “Direct communication is always the best way to bridge any misunderstandings.”

Plus, if you’re on a video call, you can see body language and other nonverbal cues that can help with effective communication.

At the end of the day, condescending text messages can be frustrating to navigate since they often lead us to question our own intelligence and worth.

That said, people who send condescending text messages might not realize they’re doing it. A little grace ― and some punctuation changes ― can go a long way.